


too much.

by kamrynmustdie



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arguing, M/M, Rated teen for language, References to Depression, apart from jeongin :(, bc we swear a whole lot in this household, but they’re not major enough for tags, changbin is a wonderful friend, chans a dick again oops, felix has depression, he’s not having a good time, honestly the rest of them are mentioned too, i don’t wanna be that kid but, i mention felix’s elimination so sorry for that, i promise i don’t hate him, im sorry for this, it’s Bad okay chan’s an angry man, lil bit of kissing but it’s friendly and platonic, looking back felix is kinda horrible too, nobody dates anyone, tbh the relationship tags aren’t rly important
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-13
Updated: 2018-08-13
Packaged: 2019-06-26 22:23:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15672474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kamrynmustdie/pseuds/kamrynmustdie
Summary: felix snaps.chan snaps back.





	too much.

**Author's Note:**

> I’M SO SORRY FOR WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO READ this was a request from a friend, so annie, if you’re reading, this one’s for you. hope you like your angst! there are talks of felix having depression and sleep problems etc. so if you’re not cool with that i’d give this one a miss. same goes for a lot of arguing - shit sure goes down - and mentions of felix being eliminated. sorry i had to bring that up.
> 
> otherwise, enjoy if you can, and sorry i treated felix like that. writing this felt awful, and i’m kinda unused to writing heavy angst, as you’ll know if you’ve read my fluffier stuff before. anyway, hope this doesn’t suck!

_fall down seven times, get up eight._

it was a saying that felix liked to swear by; when things got tough, it reassured him that he could carry on living life to the fullest, or whatever bullshit positivity blogs were spouting these days.

long story short, felix tried to stay optimistic.

except for times like now, when staying optimistic was really fucking difficult.

training for a comeback was always going to be difficult, he understood that. hell, their debut had torn him to shreds, what with filming all their progress, and the missions, and the stress of being told he wasn’t good enough to debut-

he didn’t want to think about that.

optimism, or something.

truth was, felix was beginning to forget what optimism felt like.

as of now, he’d spent too many hours - 5am through to the following 1am, with very few breaks - in the practice room. after weeks going over his lines, getting his pronunciation right, working on his delivery, his tone, it was a relief to start on the dance instead. he could put his entire body and soul into that, release some of the stress that came with comeback prep.

it would be nice if he could nail all the moves.

he’d stayed back with minho and hyunjin, letting them walk him through everything he struggled with, repeating over and over until his body ached and the moves were almost burnt into his muscle memory.

at 2am, they called it a night.

felix didn’t fall asleep. he was too busy thinking over everything he’d messed up on, all the movements he couldn’t get right, all the mistakes he was inevitably going to make on stage and the impact that would have on the rest of the group, how he’d get kicked out all over again and have to watch the others succeed while he was stuck in training-

before he knew it, it was 5am all over again and felix had to face the new sunrise with the same tired eyes that saw him through yesterday.

his feet were sore against the harsh material of his trainers, pounding against the wood of the practice room floor. the melody of their title track was ingrained into his brain, echoing on repeat even when all was silent. he’d grow sick of it one day. his hair was matted with the grease that came with not washing it for days, combined with the sweat that came with constant exertion. he ran his fingers through it for the millionth time, regretting how he’d neglected it to the point that it felt as dead as the rest of it. he wasn’t sure if he cared enough to do anything about it.

in his peripherals, he could see jisung running through his verse, hyunjin watching interestedly. he spotted changbin, chugging water like his life depended on it. in a way, it did; they were all sweating too much to do anything but keep drinking, and felix admired changbin for remembering to bring a bottle of water.

he’d been too pent up in his own misery to bother.

his throat was sore, but it only matched the rest of his body.

his head was swimming. he wished he’d brought a drink.

changbin saw him staring, gestured his bottle towards the younger with a soft smile. felix reached with what little energy he had left, catching it and giving changbin a thankful grin in return.

“why didn’t you bring your own?”

felix blinked, confused as to where the voice came from. he turned his head slowly, startling slightly when he realised chan was crouched right next to him.

“forgot.” what else was there to say? sorry, hyung, i’ve been too caught up in my own depression to realise i need to stay hydrated?

“you ‘forget’ way too often, lix. go fill that back up and get dancing, yeah? you can’t spend all day huddled against the wall as if we don’t have a comeback right around the corner.”

chan’s voice was stern, and felix cursed the way it made his chest tighten. he gave a nod, struggled to his feet, and refilled changbin’s bottle.

changbin needed it more than him, anyway.

“from the top, let’s go!”

felix slumped on the floor, assuming his start position. he wasn’t sure if starting sitting down was a blessing or a curse - sure, he could rest for a second, but he didn’t want to drag himself back up. alas, as the song started, felix relaxed into the dance as he always did, letting his body take the lead, pull him through the moves he’d been over a million times already.

before he knew it, it was over, and his brain was zoning back in.

chan had sat it out this time, watching them carefully. he noted that they’d improved, called out a few small mistakes and adjustments to be made, and that seemed to be it.

“felix, come speak to me real quick?”

that caught felix off guard. he’d done fine, hadn’t he?

he approached chan slowly, kicking off his shoes as he went. they were more painful than he’d like to deal with, at this point.

“what are you playing at?”

it was worded simply enough, and yet felix couldn’t think of a reply.

“‘m tired, hyung.”

his voice was deeper with the lack of sleep he’d been getting, which had made for better rapping, but now it only revealed how bone-dead he felt.

chan rolled his eyes. “we’re all exhausted. cut the shit, felix, you’re slacking and you know it.”

felix blanched. what was he even supposed to say? he’d been losing sleep over worry for their first comeback? he’d been forgetting to eat, drink, shower, because of the stress? his mind was a mess of negativity that he succumbed to more easily than he’d like to admit?

“you’re not even listening to me. what’s gotten into you? do you even care?” chan’s voice was starting to rise in volume, and it was taking felix’s anxiety with it.

“maybe i care too much.”

he hadn’t meant to say it, hadn’t meant for the words to slip out, but now they were out in the open, felix couldn’t be more scared of them.

“bullshit. if you cared, would you be making so many mistakes at this stage? we have a week, lix, seven days to perfect all this, and you’re not even trying.”

the other members had stopped in their tracks at the sound of chan’s voice as he got progressively more angry. it only made felix feel worse.

“i was here for so long, hyung, with minho-“

“don’t put this on anyone else, felix, it’s you that’s at fault.”

felix’s voice faded as chan spoke over him, not wanting to further annoy the elder.

“hyung, really, we were helping-“

chan whipped around to glare at hyunjin, who withered under the weight of his gaze. “there’s no point in defending him.” he turned back to felix, who was wide-eyed with shock at chan’s sudden mood change. he continued to rant, voice cutting as he spoke with disdain about felix’s lack of effort, until felix lost what he was saying completely.

this was what he always feared - as much as he studied and practiced his korean, there were still times when he couldn’t keep up with conversations, couldn’t quite understand what was being said to him. he hated it, in all honesty. it was what got him eliminated in the first place, and it was what stopped him from blending with the rest of the group as easily as he’d like to.

“-and you’re not listening again, do you really think that’s a good idea?”

“hyung, i don’t know what you’re saying.” tears welled in his eyes as he admitted it, overwhelmed by the whole situation.

“oh, so now you wanna tell me you’re lost? want me to repeat all that, now i’ve told you exactly what you’re doing wrong?”

felix shook his head rapidly as chan’s voice rose yet again. the switch to english had made it all feel that much more real, and he didn’t like it at all.

“chris, please. i haven’t slept in three days.” felix’s voice was weak, even to his own ears, and he wished he hadn’t messed up in the first place.

“me fucking neither, buddy! nice to know you know how it feels. any other reasons i should take pity on you?” chan’s tone was almost mocking with the lack of empathy in it, and felix couldn’t stop the tears from falling.

“i’m fucking depressed, chris! sorry i have emotions, alright? we can’t all be like you. i’m not perfect at everything like you obviously are, i’m fucking worried about all the shit i’m doing wrong, and i’m losing who i am because of all the work i’m putting into the group. maybe if you had the capacity to think about someone that wasn’t yourself you might understand.”

the other members looked on in awe - it wasn’t often that someone bit back at their leader like that. felix shared eye contact with seungmin for a moment, finding solace in the younger’s sorrow-filled eyes while chan took a moment to process what felix had said.

he watched jisung whisper to woojin, most likely telling the elder what was going on, translating what he could. felix wasn’t sure if he was okay with that or not. did he want the others knowing what his outburst was about?

“you kept making the same damn mistake, felix. what stops you from doing that one move? if you’ve practiced so much, surely it should all be perfect, step-for-step? or are you lying to me?” chan’s voice was a little quieter, at least.

“i don’t know, okay? that’s the issue, i can’t seem to get it right no matter what i do. i stayed here until two in the damn morning working on that one step, and i still didn’t get it. i’ll do more, if it’ll make you happy? stay in this practice room 24/7 and rot until i get it perfect?”

chan snorted. “if that’s what it takes.” his tone was sarcastic enough, but the words cut deep anyway.

“shit, chris, you really don’t care, do you? it’s not about us, it never was. it’s all success for you. whether we do well; whether you do well. maybe success is draining for some of us, do you get that? maybe success means losing sleep for you, but not all of us can live like that.”

chan was rendered speechless, and felix felt a spur of boldness he wasn’t entirely familiar with.

“why the fuck do you think i wrote insomnia? do you think i’m okay with the way you treat us? think i can deal with running on empty?”

chan blinked, grinned at felix. there was no happiness there, however, only mirth. pity, even.

“maybe you need to get used to it like the rest of us. besides, if you’d put the effort in, surely your korean would be better by now? i wouldn’t have to have this conversation with you in english if you actually tried, but since it’s all you know...”

felix flinched. that was a weak spot.

“no response, huh? maybe he was right to eliminate you, you clearly can’t handle being an idol.”

chan wasn’t letting up, and felix was starting to regret lashing out the way he’d originally felt so bold for.

“he wouldn’t have let me back in if i wasn’t ready, chris.”

the roll of chan’s eyes scared felix a little; he’d annoyed him further still.

“chan-hyung, let him be.”

felix looked at the group, dazed. it was changbin that had spoken up.

“you’ve stressed poor lix out enough. let’s finish early, yeah? it’s midnight already, we do need to rest up if we want to be ready to slay this comeback.” he paused, giving chan a glare that silenced him instantly. with that, changbin herded the shocked members out the door, leaving felix and chan alone to talk things out.

“you two as well, you need your sleep as much as the rest of us. even you, chan-hyung.”

chan huffed, following the team, felix trailing behind him.

felix barely caught an hour’s sleep, and woke up feeling worse than he had when he’d gone to bed.

he checked his phone: 4am. getting up to fetch some water, he ran into a sleepy changbin, who eyed him sympathetically.

“what are you still up for?” he spoke softly, as if he didn’t want to interrupt the relative silence of the dorm, and felix was thankful for that.

“just woke up, hyung. practice room calls, i need to dance better.”

he hadn’t originally intended to start practicing so early, but now he’d said it, he realised he did need to work harder if he had any hope of being good enough.

“lix, don’t do that to yourself. overworking gets you nowhere.”

“it’s gotten me this far.”

changbin sighed; felix would always be stubborn when it came to these things.

“rest up a little bit, alright? go back to sleep, and when chan wakes us at six, you’ll be ready to go with the rest of us.”

“no, hyung, you don’t get it, i need to practice more. i’m bringing the group down.” felix sighed in return, leaning against the kitchen counter and watching as changbin sipped his drink. the elder was clearly deep in thought, and there was a moment of comfortable silence as he considered felix’s words.

“who’s telling you that?”

“me, bin-hyung, it’s all me. i’m not good enough.” he paused, brow furrowed as he recalled what chan had said to him. “...and chan-hyung, he’s telling me that too.”

changbin stood up straight, an idea forming in his mind. “come with me, lix.”

“wait, why? where?” felix was confused, to say the least.

changbin said nothing, only gesturing for felix to follow him.

the short walk to the practice room was filled with the peaceful kind of silence that neither of them wanted to break. hundreds of questions echoed around felix’s head, only multiplying as he realised where they were going.

“you said i shouldn’t-“

“felix.” changbin’s voice was suddenly serious, and it only threw felix more. what was going on? “we’re going to go through the dance together - especially that move you seem to think you can’t do - and we’re going to film it.”

horror filled felix’s expression as he took in what changbin was saying. “there is no way you’re filming this. not with how bad i am.”

changbin smiled. if only he knew.

“let’s just go for it, yeah?”

felix nodded, finding his beginning position and letting changbin start the song. they made it through without any major fuck-ups, felix managed to not completely mess up _that one move_ , and so he waited for changbin to pause the song and tell him how things went.

“show me the dodgy move?”

felix complied, demonstrating the bit he’d struggled so much with.

“if you’re doing something wrong, it’s certainly not noticeable. still think you suck?”

felix wasn’t sold on being amazing, but he could admit he wasn’t as bad as he’d thought. he conveyed this to changbin, who giggled smugly and sat himself against the mirror.

“go again, on your own this time. i’m going to watch. oh, and sing your bit when it’s time, okay?”

felix nodded, unsure of changbin’s motives, and went to start again.

changbin monitored each move carefully, noting how he transitioned between steps and how his body worked to accommodate each bit of the dance, as well as his voice when he sang his part.

“pretty fuckin’ strong, lix. now, would you prefer it if i filmed you on your own, or if i danced with you?”

“i want you up here with me.” felix was quick to answer; the thought of all the focus being on him for any longer than it had to be to be was terrifying. changbin just nodded, setting his phone to record and leaning it against the mirror where he’d been sat. the two went through the choreography yet again, giving their all as if it was a real performance.

“you’re doing great, felix. c’mon, let’s get back to the dorm, maybe you can catch some more sleep before we have to be up.” changbin glanced at his watch - 5am, they had an hour until they had to be back here - and took felix by the hand.

felix leaned into the elder’s body, grateful for his help. he voiced his gratitude, receiving a proud smile and a hug in return.

“it’s no problem, really. we want you to be the best you can. glad i could help.” he paused for a moment then, considering his next words. “i’m always here if you want to talk, y’know. you seem like you’re having a tough time.”

felix laughed, but there was no humour in it - only traces of self-deprecation. “i guess i am. thanks, bin-hyung. i appreciate it.”

changbin ruffled the younger’s hair, taking a risk and pressing a gentle kiss to his forehead. “we should get going.”

getting back to the dorm, felix jumped at the chance of an undisturbed shower. finally, he could wash his hair. he could also do some thinking while he was in there, but his hair was the priority.

meanwhile, chan had woken up early, as always. changbin found him in their shared room, dragging his fingers through his messy bed hair.

“bin? where did you go?”

changbin took a deep breath, not wanting to anger the leader with his next words. “helping lix, hyung.”

“ah.” chan’s expression was unreadable. “is he trying yet?”

changbin snorted at that. “he’s been trying the whole time, chan-hyung. look at this.” before chan could argue, he pulled out his phone, bringing up the video of felix and him dancing.

“what am i seeing here?”

“if you can see a difference between felix’s dancing and mine, since he’s apparently so much worse than the rest of us.”

changbin couldn’t keep the contempt from his voice; chan had said some things to felix that would hurt even the strongest of people. he watched chan’s expression as the video played, stayed silent until it was over.

“anything you’d like to say?”

chan held his breath for a moment, clearly trying to think of a response that wouldn’t make him sound like a dick.

“i’d like to speak to felix.”

“oh, going to apologise? took you long enough.”

chan’s face hardened. “just let me talk to him.”

changbin smiled, almost mocking. “he’s in the shower, you’ll have to wait.”

as if on cue, felix walked in, towel draped around his shoulders, dressed in his comfiest training clothes.

“you wanted me?”

chan took a few deep breaths, preparing himself. “i’m sorry, lix, i really am. i said some things i didn’t mean, and i’m sorry if those things hurt you.”

shaking his head, felix took chan’s hands in his own. “you were a dick, you know that? of course you hurt me. imagine being told you’re not good enough to debut - by your own leader, too. did you really not mean any of that?”

chan shook his own head in response. “it was just in the moment, you snapped at me, i ended up snapping back. i’m tired too, felix, i didn’t think about what i was saying.”

“so everything you said about me not trying, about me not being good enough, about me not caring, you don’t actually believe them? if you don’t, then why say them? they’ve got to have come from somewhere.”

chan blinked. “i think i assumed the worst, and told you the first things that came to mind that seemed feasible. i’m not saying i wasn’t in the wrong, i obviously was, and i know i hurt you. i didn’t know you hadn’t slept, and i didn’t know your depression was that bad. i’m sorry i lashed out like i did.”

that was all felix needed to hear. “i think i need to apologise too. i’m sorry i said all that about you being self-centred and only caring for your own success. you’ve guided us like nobody else could and you’re the most selfless person i know, i just wanted to hurt you as badly as you’d hurt me. i’m really sorry, hyung.”

chan let out a relieved giggle, pulling felix into a hug. changbin, from where he’d been observing across the room, managed to get pulled into the embrace too, chest pressed against felix’s back and arms around chan’s shoulders.

“and you, binnie, thank you for intervening. i’m not sure things would have de-escalated as quickly if you hadn’t done that.” there was sincerity in chan’s eyes, and changbin smiled widely.

“glad i could sort out your shit. if we’re done being emotional here, we still have practice to do.”

chan went about waking the members, and felix hugged changbin again. “seriously, thank you so much. for everything.”

“i’ve told you, it’s no problem. i love helping you.” changbin kissed felix’s cheek playfully, causing the younger to bat him away.

“why do you keep kissing me so suddenly? who are you, jisung?” felix’s tone was light, joking.

“what about me?” jisung strode in, wrapping his arms around felix, who rolled his eyes.

“bin-hyung keeps kissing me and it’s all your fault.”

“can’t say i blame him,” jisung responded, kissing felix’s other cheek.

“fuck off, sungie, we need to go.”

despite his words, felix was grinning; he was ready to prove chan wrong.

**Author's Note:**

> i know 3racha wrote insomnia in reality, it just worked for this fic that felix wrote it. sorry again for putting felix through hell, and sorry that changlix ended up there even if the prompt had nothing to do with changbin. i feel like they made up too quickly and too easily, and i’m unsure about the ending, so if you have anything to say about that or the story as a whole, please comment and let me know! give constructive criticism, or just tell me if you enjoyed it - i sometimes don’t know how to reply to praise, but i adore getting comments telling me my stuff is good! i really appreciate kudos too. thanks for reading!
> 
> (if you got this far hit up my cc and prompt me or just generally [ask me stuff](https://curiouscat.me/kamwrites) but please check my bio before requesting)


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